Five ways to stop yourself from being upset by difficult people
You will never be able to stop people making rude, insensitive,
mean, nasty or negative remarks. What you do have is the choice as to
how you react to such negativity. You can either get hooked into it and
become upset, defensive or angry in response, or you can leave the
emotion with the other person and stay calm, positive and in control.
How can you stay cool, calm and collected? Here are some tips to help
you.
- Make a decision not to react
Have a goal to aim
for. Decide that you don't want to react. It means you are clear as to
what you are trying to do. It's no good getting upset and then wishing
you hadn't, afterwards. Instead, remind yourself from the start that
you're going to keep cool.
- Monitor your breathing
Often when
people start to get upset their breathing can alter. This typically
happens when people are startled, shocked or frightened. The breathing
may be more rapid, more shallow, or may stop altogether. Keep your
breathing deep, gentle and calm and this will help the rest of you to
stay calm.
- Pause before you respond
When people
get upset by someone else's comments, negativity or anger they often
jump in too quickly to respond. They then get caught up in the emotions
of the situation and can escalate the conflict instead of calming it.
STOP. Breathe. Respond. In the moment when you are breathing you might
count to 3 or 10; or you might simply remind yourself to stay cool; or
you might ask yourself what the best responses would be. Use the pause
to allow yourself to think of a clear calm answer and to avoid a knee
jerk negative response or retaliation.
- Have a set statement to use
Can you
predict some of the negative comments, complaints or snide remarks that
you'll get? If so, this means that you also have the chance to prepare a
response. The responses don't have to be long or complicated. They
simply need to keep you in a neutral calm manner and to ensure that
something relevant has been said. For example, I use a number of set
statements when people have a complaint to make, or are angry with me.
They include "Thanks ever so much for letting me know how you feel", "I
can help you" or "That's certainly one opinion". These short statements
allow me to say something that doesn't aggravate the situation and gives
me a bit of thinking time. They can also help to quieten the other
person.
- Be willing to laugh it off
Comments
that you might perceive as rude, insulting, or negative are only
destructive if you accept them as such. You don't have to accept a
put-down. You can deflect it back, ignore it or laugh about it. When you
do this the power of the put-down disintegrates. In contrast, when you
take a comment personally, get upset by it or become angry you are
handing your power over to the other person and giving power to the
put-down. For example, one of my clients complained that when she went
to a meeting at work, one of her male colleagues would say "Off to the
knitting club are we?" She used to get incensed. However, when she gets
upset she is teaching her colleague how easy it is to get at her. This
will increase the chance that he'll keep doing it. My client and I
therefore decided to put together a list of alternative answers she
could give. They ranged from "Yes, I'm the President", and "I wish I
was, but it clashed with an executive board meeting", to "Yes and I sold
my first jumper for $500 last week" or "Watch out for the needles."
Please note these are said with a good real chuckle not a sarcastic
retort! When you are willing to laugh off remarks such as these you are
staying in control of your own emotions. And that is emotionally
intelligent!
