Five ways to stop yourself from being upset by difficult people

You will never be able to stop people making rude, insensitive, mean, nasty or negative remarks. What you do have is the choice as to how you react to such negativity. You can either get hooked into it and become upset, defensive or angry in response, or you can leave the emotion with the other person and stay calm, positive and in control. How can you stay cool, calm and collected? Here are some tips to help you.

1. Make a decision not to react
   Have a goal to aim for. Decide that you don't want to react. It means you are clear as to what you are trying to do. It's no good getting upset and then wishing you hadn't, afterwards. Instead, remind yourself from the start that you're going to keep cool.
   
2. Monitor your breathing
   Often when people start to get upset their breathing can alter. This typically happens when people are startled, shocked or frightened. The breathing may be more rapid, more shallow, or may stop altogether. Keep your breathing deep, gentle and calm and this will help the rest of you to stay calm.
   
   
3. Pause before you respond
   When people get upset by someone else's comments, negativity or anger they often jump in too quickly to respond. They then get caught up in the emotions of the situation and can escalate the conflict instead of calming it. STOP. Breathe. Respond. In the moment when you are breathing you might count to 3 or 10; or you might simply remind yourself to stay cool; or you might ask yourself what the best responses would be. Use the pause to allow yourself to think of a clear calm answer and to avoid a knee jerk negative response or retaliation.
   
   
4. Have a set statement to use
   Can you predict some of the negative comments, complaints or snide remarks that you'll get? If so, this means that you also have the chance to prepare a response. The responses don't have to be long or complicated. They simply need to keep you in a neutral calm manner and to ensure that something relevant has been said. For example, I use a number of set statements when people have a complaint to make, or are angry with me. They include "Thanks ever so much for letting me know how you feel", "I can help you" or "That's certainly one opinion". These short statements allow me to say something that doesn't aggravate the situation and gives me a bit of thinking time. They can also help to quieten the other person.
   
   
5. Be willing to laugh it off
   Comments that you might perceive as rude, insulting, or negative are only destructive if you accept them as such. You don't have to accept a put-down. You can deflect it back, ignore it or laugh about it. When you do this the power of the put-down disintegrates. In contrast, when you take a comment personally, get upset by it or become angry you are handing your power over to the other person and giving power to the put-down. For example, one of my clients complained that when she went to a meeting at work, one of her male colleagues would say "Off to the knitting club are we?" She used to get incensed. However, when she gets upset she is teaching her colleague how easy it is to get at her. This will increase the chance that he'll keep doing it. My client and I therefore decided to put together a list of alternative answers she could give. They ranged from "Yes, I'm the President", and "I wish I was, but it clashed with an executive board meeting", to "Yes and I sold my first jumper for $500 last week" or "Watch out for the needles." Please note these are said with a good real chuckle not a sarcastic retort! When you are willing to laugh off remarks such as these you are staying in control of your own emotions. And that is emotionally intelligent!
   

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