Five ways to stop yourself from being upset by difficult people

You will never be able to stop people making rude, insensitive, mean, nasty or negative remarks. What you do have is the choice as to how you react to such negativity. You can either get hooked into it and become upset, defensive or angry in response, or you can leave the emotion with the other person and stay calm, positive and in control. How can you stay cool, calm and collected? Here are some tips to help you.

1. Make a decision not to react
   Have a goal to aim for. Decide that you don't want to react. It means you are clear as to what you are trying to do. It's no good getting upset and then wishing you hadn't, afterwards. Instead, remind yourself from the start that you're going to keep cool.
   
2. Monitor your breathing
   Often when people start to get upset their breathing can alter. This typically happens when people are startled, shocked or frightened. The breathing may be more rapid, more shallow, or may stop altogether. Keep your breathing deep, gentle and calm and this will help the rest of you to stay calm.
   
   
3. Pause before you respond
   When people get upset by someone else's comments, negativity or anger they often jump in too quickly to respond. They then get caught up in the emotions of the situation and can escalate the conflict instead of calming it. STOP. Breathe. Respond. In the moment when you are breathing you might count to 3 or 10; or you might simply remind yourself to stay cool; or you might ask yourself what the best responses would be. Use the pause to allow yourself to think of a clear calm answer and to avoid a knee jerk negative response or retaliation.
   
   
4. Have a set statement to use
   Can you predict some of the negative comments, complaints or snide remarks that you'll get? If so, this means that you also have the chance to prepare a response. The responses don't have to be long or complicated. They simply need to keep you in a neutral calm manner and to ensure that something relevant has been said. For example, I use a number of set statements when people have a complaint to make, or are angry with me. They include "Thanks ever so much for letting me know how you feel", "I can help you" or "That's certainly one opinion". These short statements allow me to say something that doesn't aggravate the situation and gives me a bit of thinking time. They can also help to quieten the other person.
   
   
5. Be willing to laugh it off
   Comments that you might perceive as rude, insulting, or negative are only destructive if you accept them as such. You don't have to accept a put-down. You can deflect it back, ignore it or laugh about it. When you do this the power of the put-down disintegrates. In contrast, when you take a comment personally, get upset by it or become angry you are handing your power over to the other person and giving power to the put-down. For example, one of my clients complained that when she went to a meeting at work, one of her male colleagues would say "Off to the knitting club are we?" She used to get incensed. However, when she gets upset she is teaching her colleague how easy it is to get at her. This will increase the chance that he'll keep doing it. My client and I therefore decided to put together a list of alternative answers she could give. They ranged from "Yes, I'm the President", and "I wish I was, but it clashed with an executive board meeting", to "Yes and I sold my first jumper for $500 last week" or "Watch out for the needles." Please note these are said with a good real chuckle not a sarcastic retort! When you are willing to laugh off remarks such as these you are staying in control of your own emotions. And that is emotionally intelligent!
   

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How Do You Stop Getting Upset?

How do you stop getting upset? You start taking charge of your emotions, that's how you stop getting upset . . .

For instance, you find that your day isn't going so well because you are thinking about something that upset you.

Let's say your boss/spouse/parent yelled at you this morning in front of everyone. That was a blow to the ego, wasn't it?

But do you need to let it upset you any further? 

No.

How do you avoid it? Watch this scenario:

The minute you realize you are getting upset again over something that has happened, turn your eyes to the right! 

Yes! The minute you feel yourself getting upset again, turn your eyes to the right.

To your right, there's a screen with the upsetting scenario you experienced earlier, only it's in your mind. You are replaying the scene where your boss/spouse/parent is yelling at you. 

Oh, no. You don't have to go through that again, do you? Yes -- but in a new way. Not the same way you usually do. The way that upsets you again. And again. And again.

This time you're just going to watch the exact scenario -- then, you're going to change it.

There's the movie screen showing your boss/spouse/parent yelling at you. You are cowering -- on the inside if nowhere else. 

Play it through to the end. Look at how it affected you. Not a pretty sight, right? Afterwards, you probably did things you now regret, like getting mad at someone else for something minor, but you couldn't help yourself and blew up. Or you badmouthed your boss/spouse/parent. Or whatever happened gave you an excuse to do whatever you do when you get upset. 

And what is that? Overeat, smoke, chew, use company time playing a computer game, go shopping and overspend? You get the idea. Whatever it is that you do in retaliation, watch all that, too.

When that movie is over, roll it again -- only this time, roll it in reverse with everyone walking backwards, talking backwards. Make funny noises as sound effects and see how that affects you. 

Now, play it forward in slow motion. Watch as everyone, including you, talks slowly, their tongues rolling out of their mouths, their ears flopping as they move.

Now, start to play it backward again -- but watch as the movie reel unwinds and blows off in the wind.

Check your reactions now to the episode that had upset you. It's not as upsetting anymore, is it?

Great! That's taking control of your emotions!

Now, run a new movie. 

This one shows you in control of the situation. You realize that your boss/spouse/parent was just being your boss/spouse/parent. You understand that, and it doesn't upset you in this scenario. You realize that things like this will keep happening to you until YOU decide not to let it upset you. That it's not worth getting upset about. Decide to do something about it if you can, but to let it pass if you can't. And that's exactly what you see happening in this new scenario. Feel how good it feels to be in control. How do you look when you are in control? How do you feel? What do you say to yourself? What do others say to you? 

Watch this movie clear to the end, then stand as though you are in control, think those thoughts that say you are in control, look like you feel in control. Doesn't that feel much better than before?

When you decide what is going to upset you and what isn't, you've taken control of your life. Always feel the love in your heart when you make your decision and make sure that what you've decided to do is *Harm to no one*. 

Have you done all that? Great! Your life will operate on more of an even keel from now on.

Good luck!

When you've fought with a friend, or lost a family member or pet, you're most likely very upset. Here are some tips to stop sobbing.

Steps:

1. Take deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and extend your diaphragm as you do so. Although this may be painful if you've been crying for prolonged periods of time, the purpose is to relax. Continue even if your breathing is shaky.
2.  Once your breathing is fairly normal, try to find where the tension is in your body. Tense up the muscles in this area, hold for the count of five, and relax. Breathe and make a conscious effort to these and other tense areas, such as your shoulders and stomach.
3.  Lie down in a comfortable position in your bed. Turn off the overhead lights, and turn on a soft nightlight or other small lamp.
4.  Turn on some quiet music. Lose yourself in it. Turn this on quietly in the background. Talk to yourself in your head. Say stuff like (Everything is going to be ok) or ( It's over)
5.   Realize that life has its ups and downs. Crying isn't a bad thing and that crying isn't a bad thing to do, but that after a while, crying can actually hurt your body, so it's important to try to relax.
6.  Comfort yourself with the thought that eventually, all this will be a memory, and it won't be as painful for you to think of, so try not to think about it.
7.  Don't be afraid to cry with a friend or family member. They have probably gone through what you have just experienced.
8.  When you are crying you should just look on the bright side of things. If you cannot see the bright side to things, just lie down and go to sleep. You will feel so much better afterward.
9.  Take deep deep breaths.
10.  Think of happy things, just don't think of what made you upset.
11.  Last, if you're still crying or very upset at dusk then go for a walk with a friend and talk about something that will make you laugh and remember to breathe.
12.  Remember to be in a happy place and think about others things that make you happy.
13.  Eat or drink something. This will occupy yourself from crying
14.  Remember that things will get better, it may seem rough now but things will always get better.

 Tips:

• To stop yourself from crying in public, try raising your eyebrows as high as they will go, as if you are surprised. It is very difficult for tears to come out this way. Yawning, or chewing ice, might also help.
• Let yourself cry. The purpose of this is to relax after you've cried enough, and know this is just hurting you.
• Realize that it may take a while to relax, but don't worry too much.
• If you're still crying (as in, tears are still leaking out of your eyes) but you aren't sobbing (your body isn't wracked by heaving sobs, you don't have shaky breathing, and can talk without stuttering too much) then you're all right and do not need to relax any further.
• Try to go to sleep. Everything will look a little brighter in the morning.
• Crying can be good for you. Scientist have suggested that crying when you're upset rids the body of excess hormones (this is why they have a different make up to "fake" tears), making you feel better.
• If trying to relax doesn't stop you crying, go cuddle with your mom, sister, or dog. Just hold them close to you. Feeling the heartbeat of another living thing is soothing. If nothing living is around you, grab a stuffed animal.
• Do something routine, for example using the computer or watching TV.
• Whatever you do, do not go back and think about the thoughts of what happened. You'll just start crying again if the subject that made you cry was thought-wise.
• Have fun with your friends, play a game, and just forget about what happened.

Warnings:

• Watch out for prolonged, heaving sobs. They will hurt your body, and you may have a stomach ache for a few days after. You may also feel sick to your stomach. All this is characteristic of stress.
• Remember that strangers don't know what you're going through, so strange looks will be present. Ignore them.
• Be careful on who you tell your problems to. They can always tell someone else